异地生活（思乡）

整体来说，自己一个人在国外也算是生活了两年，分别错过了三个农历新年（其中之一是即将到来的）。有所谓的homesick吗？理智性地回答：没有。也许自己心里最清楚，无论如何我还是得一个人在异乡生活，homesick 也没用，所以独立了，强迫自己适应了。也可能潜意识里不去想了……

在澳洲，人人看重的是工作经验，所以大部分的人读完学士文凭以后都不继续念了。再加上developed country （谷歌翻译‘发达国家’）的父母鼓励孩子高中以后自己养活自己，自己选择科系，这两种现象是和大马的背道而驰。因此自己念硕士文凭时，遇着的都是亚洲人。再者，自己念的又是商科主修会计，95%来求学都是来自中国。这样的现象，重重地粉碎了自己想象中到国外求学的情景。自己也算是较为不幸，到了在大马不怎么出名的大学，也遇不了相同遭遇的同志，没能结伴，有些可惜……回头想，喜欢‘实验性’地下厨是不在外用餐的原因之一，省钱是原因之二，也有可能是不想为每次外出时都得找伴这事而伤脑筋。

独自一个人来求学的生活更显得寂寞。也问过不少一个人定居在这里的大马年轻人“一个人在这里不想家吗？”“都习惯了”。起初我还体会不到那所谓的“习惯”，觉得要“习惯”这孤寂真的让我浑身不自在。结果在没能回家的这一年里，自己终于明白那“习惯”的感觉。说不出的悲哀，淡淡的、涩涩的，为了明天继续过活，不断地在寻找寄托。否则那一丝丝的苦涩沁入心扉，像有细缝的气球，精力就缓缓地被外压汲取。

在家至少可以和老妈作伴。闲来喝喝下午茶、天花乱坠地瞎闹一场、在花园里散步，甚至静静地感受家人的存在。每逢过年过节，家人自然都会回乡探访长辈，团聚了分散在各地的亲戚。有时想起同年的朋友在职场上已打拼了两年，升职的升职、恋爱的恋爱、结婚的结婚。反之自己刚毕业，为了寻工而准备再虚度一年。在起跑点上，慢了别人三年，前途会是怎样的一片情景？

在外地求生，并非想象中的简单。许多事物总得自己经历了以后才发现“待遇”这回事，从来不曾公平过。处于这种劣势的地位，往往都会忆起自己土生土长的家，即使那‘大’的家不比澳洲来得先进发达。

#98 Appreciation: Family

I am thankful to have all my family members with living healthily and share my life journey with me, especially I am not prepare enough to face any 'separation', although often or not, is not one's call.

Besides my parents and siblings, I have plenty of aunts and uncles, and I specially felt for my single aunt, who has treated me and my brother as if we are her kids. She hardly resist our request, and she always is the one who fulfil our wishes. Sounds like Santa isn't? There is another well-to-do uncle, who treat us like buddy every time we meet. We always tease him, and ask him to buy us dinner (somehow he know all the great food places). Also, all charming cousins I have.

To extend the family range, I also grateful to have such nice grandparents, who gave birth to our parents and brought them up after all the struggles, before the country gain independence. Also, treat us much better than how they raise our parents (much stricter of course) :)

Love all of you~~

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#97 Appreciation: Children

Got this 'Appreciation' from my mum.

She told me she is thankful to have children (me I assumed XD) although she has went through all those hard times and even has the post effect of going through operations. It has been a wonderful journey, raising kids and witnessing them growing and become a person with reliable and independent character, a citizen of the world. Not to forget the laughter and 'speechless' moment throughout the experiences, the ups and downs, yet it is a life journey worth having.

I love you as always too mum! Thanks for bringing me to this world :)

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#82 Appreciation: Babies

Babies are like a piece of white cloth. White cloth that is ready to grow and discover the colourful world.
Pure and innocent. Greed for air once they born and no one can stop them from crying out loud. Is just a fascinating moment. Not to forget, mum's struggle and hardship while delivering the baby.

They symbolize hope, energy, new, youth, future... And they always react directly, being honest and true to themselves. Silently observing the surrounding and absorbing like a huge piece of sponge. That's the reason why adults need to be wary about the happenings around the baby. Babies never fail to remind me about the positive hope about being living as well as the greatness of parents to bring them to life and educate them as they grow.

Btw, arent all babies are such adorable that none of us can resist? Their sweet, cute, chubby, lil 'thing' does not fail to cheer me up (well, not when they are crying >.<)

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#71 Appreciation: Childhood

I love my childhood! I really do.

This show that I am a lucky girl who shared a normal childhood like most of the kids. I have experience those silly moments, those proud moments, those crazy moments which I wont be doing or I wont be able to do in my current state.

I reminisce those days... When I dance to the rhythm in public, people will praise my boldness rather than giving me a weird stare (Of course, that time I was 4 and who on earth will laugh at a chubby girl dancing to the music). When I secretly eat the cheese slice in the fridge and left traces and stains on my mouth, yet strongly said I didnt have any when being caught by my mum (giggles). When my cousin and I were so bored that we start wearing our mum's accessories and start posing and taking photos.

Looking at the photos and hearing again and again from my mum on how mischevious I was, just cheer my day. I might be wonder on and off that how different my life can be or how excititing my life will be if I am a child star or a rich kiddo.. but still, I am thankful for what I grown up with and the memories will be part of me forever .

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#59 Appreciation: Read

I always appreciate the fact that I am being born in an era where females are able to study in school and being educated.

I look at my grandma, who was being born before WW2 in a rural village. She only speaks dialect and basic common language and she cant read and write. Therefore, she seldom flip through newspaper and listen to news like my grandpa did. She has been working throughout her life, as a rubber tapper and planter, where she is being 'trained' to be as strong as men, even though she is 70+ this year. She cant stay still at home, even when she came to our house in the city. She dont enjoy TV programmes and she always find her way to do something such as house chores.

I am not pitying her, because this is what she enjoys. I somewhat felt relieve that I am sent to school to learn how to read, write and speak. I am thinking, at least when I aged, I still could communicate with the rest, write a letter and even read newspaper.

I love you grandma, stay healthy always!!!!

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#58 Appreciation: Siblings

I have one younger brother, but we hardly on a good term. Not due to something serious but mostly some childish act between us.

Our age gap is 6 years, and people thought we should be able to "live in harmony", but the fact is always the opposite. We argue over which passenger seat/back seat, we fight for the last piece of Oreo (and debating over the size of it even when we break the last piece into half). Most importantly, I care for my "rebellion-stage" brother, whom I added him as friend in Facebook, and being un-friended by him twice and blocked once in the past 3 years. Simple reason: I just advised him or mentioned something about what he posted on FB status.

Regardless how often we fight against each other, I still love him. I love flipping through the photo album and there are pictures of me hugging and cuddling him when he was a baby, paying at the swing with him, selfie with him etc. It is an undeniable fact that he is my brother and always will be. Despite all the "fights" we had, there are times where I am touched by his thoughtful act. I still can remember the first time I was abroad for 2 months and it was his birthday where I cant celebrate with him. He told mum that he wants to save a piece of cake for me until I am back, which was 1.5 months later. Although he ended up finishing it (because the cake wont last), this small lil thought actually make me cry.... He was 13 years old that year...

For now, I just hope that he can be more mature (by not rebel, disappointing others, and have more self-control) and I do look forward to be with him as a supportive family member like I always do :))))

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#44 Appreciation: Nag

When anyone nags... ARGH~~

All the message has been repeatedly mentioned over and over and over again!

I know, is irritating! Especially when one overly nag, or when you are not in the mood or when you are impatient... Like my mum, who always remind me to sleep early, have proper meals, to return home early yada yada yada.

Come to think of it, this might be someone's character, but most of the time, people nag because they care and they concern about you. They worried if you forgotten something or being in an unpleasant situation, hence the keep reminding you. When is from parents, you know that they care, when is from colleagues or team mates, you know that they concern about the outcome of what you have done. So even though I always hear the same thing from the same person (with the possibility of being annoyed by them), still, is good to know that they care. Imagine one day none of the people bother to know what you are doing and ignore your situation... Is pretty sad (to feel abandon) XD

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#26 Appreciation: Oldies

Oldies, the forever lasting songs that most people enjoy! Love the soothing rhythm, meaningful lyrics, unfortunately the frequency of radio station playing these songs has significantly reduce. The oldies contain shared memory between my parents' memory/generation with me, as I grow up listening to to what they listen.

Those singer like The Carpenters, BeeGees, The Corrs and lots more, which I cant remember the name, but the rhythm of the songs. It has been such a long time I have not been tuning into the same channel as my dad, ever since I have "grown up" and hanging out with friends, listen to the idol song rather than spending those time with my dad and mimicking the singer on stage with a broom as mic. While I was writing the previous post, I realized that it has been so long I have not listen to the oldies...

What I miss out, is not only the beauty of those song, but also the childhood days, when I spend my dream (as singer) with my family, reminiscing those warm-hearted moment as a child... Oldies, songs that last for generations, also a reflection of the precious moment with family, filled with love, that similarly lasting.

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#19 Appreciation: Value of Family

I am brought up in a culture where "family" is one of the most important aspects in life. I am glad that I am not born before 50s as those are the time where distinction of treatment between different genders are very apparent. In my culture, respect towards the elders and the family-hood are the obvious practices.

Unlike the West, where everyone deem to be equal regardless your age and status which leads to lesser bureaucracy in the individualistic community. However, to me it seems that everyone is some sort of lone rangers. For once, a friend of my shares his experience about having a family dinner with  his extended family members. In the restaurant, his cousin (who has been brought up in the Western culture), actually asked his parents, who flew in and visit him, to pay their share on the spot. It could be a common practice in his country, but coming from a different background, I feel that it is a ridiculous act. I dont feel the 'warmth' in the family and it is a calculative behaviour.

Due to the difference in upbringing and the family value, I dont seem to feel the depth of the family relationship. Although I did expect such individualistic attribute to be present based on what I have studied, yet when I was there to experience it, there is quite an impact. That's the reason why I somewhat feel empty when I am in a Western country.

There is no one culture that is better than the rest as each of them is unique in nature. I just appreciate such value that I had (well, since I have been 'drilled' in since I was born), because it is something that I perceived as an important element in my life and my family has always be there with me and be my utmost solid support in any of my endeavours.

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#11 Appreciation: Mom

How can I miss out my mum after my dad post?

Here it goes...

My mother came from a poor family background, yet she is the only child among the 7 kids, who worked all her way through to the city and start her life even though it was tough back in the early 80's. She was outgoing, daring, take action/implementer, hard-working, learner, independent, just...

My mother sacrificed her careers for the me and my brother. She took care of us, she prepared lunch box for us, she drove us to school and has became a full time housewife ever since. Now, both of us have grown up, and she has not been engaging to the work force for nearly 14 years. Due to such long absence, she is now not who she used to be. She become worries and thinks too much and her heath deteriorate due to the over-work at her young age. I feel bad for her at the same time I really do appreciate what she has done for us and the family. Without her sacrifices, I am unsure who I am today or how the family relationship will be.

Today, she can be quite 'weird'/random, and kiddish (?), the act that is regarded as inappropriate for her age in the eye of society/public. But this is her way in revitalising herself as an adorable, young mum :). I can feel the inner child beneath her, as an adult mature mum, which such identify has been structured throughout her life experience and the rough reality. I am glad that she can relax more now, and regain her young self.

I used to tell her that I dont wish to grow up, because being an adult means forgoing lots of fun and my true self as we are wary about how people perceive us and what people expect from us. This is life. Is always easy advice people to ignore others, yet hard to do so. Somehow I can foresee that I will be like her in the next 20 years.

She has such high tolerance (to me) more than anyone else. I know I shouldn't and I can feel my guilt, but at times, I just couldn't control my tone and voice. Immediately after that, I apologise to her... She is nag-gy, but whose mum doesnt nag :) Is just her way of showing she cares...

My mom is not a role mother either, but she definitely is a superwoman in my heart. Love ya~

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#10 Appreciation: Dad

In conjunction with Father's Day, I would like to dedicate my utmost appreciation, with loves and lots of hugs, to my dearest dad.

Do I have the greatest dad on Earth? Nah! He is not. He is not flawless, neither a perfect father nor an ideal husband. He is a baby boomer, stubborn, short and only listen to his friends' advice (not the family's). He is hard to communicate with, since he 'is always right', and he dislike me to touch him, ever since I entered secondary school. He always scold us when we did something wrong or being careless, but is always "OK, reasonable and understandable" when same things happened on him rather than us.

In spite of all these driving-the-family-nuts-attributes, he is still my beloved dad. He does not show his affection obviously but in his own way. He never spent more than RM50 on his apparels (unless forced to), yet he willing to spend much more than that on the family. He usually pick out all the things we love to eat from his plate to us and he himself will eat that dish that ended up with just plain noodles and some chives. To get an original cassette 11 years ago, cost a bomb and he say he dont allow us to waste such money (family condition is not that well back then). Over the weekends, I found that wish list item on my desk. He cares about our education and has been planning all the financials years ago and repeatedly tell us not to worry to much, although he start off the conversation with a worrying tone and constantly threaten us on currency and interest rate. He acted as if everything just fine when I am leaving but I heard from my aunt that he used to sigh about how quickly time passed and I have been away for couple of months.

I am thankful to have him as my dad, despite some of his characters are so annoying and irritating. This is my dad, the one who express his love in a hidden way.

Love ya dad!

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难得的感动

为什么难得，因为他的举动真的让我大跌眼镜！

从来只有我让他（99%的时间），而他总是觉得理所当然地接受一切。只要我稍微讲讲他还是告诉他某某东西不值得买，他就会拉下脸皮，一脸臭臭地离开。然后不时对我翻白眼，斜视我。

他不是别人，正是在下的老弟！

可是今天他的一个举动，让我很感动（突然觉得自己真的很容易被‘收买’呵呵。）！
明天又要离开温暖的被单，和家人分隔两地了×泣×
在家不常到菜市场或下厨的人，只懂得的肉类只有鸡肉。所以在人在外（自己下厨的时候），蛋白质来源除了鸡肉还是鸡肉。现在怎能不趁还未离开之前吃吃叉烧？？


正当我正想用我的叉烧云吞面，弟弟突然夾了片他自己的小小小小块的烧肉给我……

我就这样被感动了！
从来只有他从别人的盘上夹走食物，而要他自动给你他的食物的几率非常渺茫。在这感动时刻，我也‘回礼’给了他我的云吞。

话说回来，上一次他让我感动的事情也过了近3年。那时我身在台湾，第一次没能和他庆祝生日。我还记得当他说他留了片蛋糕给我，我反问“哦？你会这么好？讲罢了是不是？那我回来我要吃啊！” 后来我也想我母亲求证：

我：“妈，还有蛋糕吗？”
妈：“没有了，都被弟弟吃完了。”

我：“我就知道！弟弟说他留了一片给我，只是说说罢了！”
妈：“啊，不是啊，他真的有留，只不过蛋糕也耐不到一个月啊，所以我就叫他吃了，不必留了。”

就这样，那是第一次我被老弟的举动所感动。

咱们的姐弟情啊～我真的不知道哦该怎么形容～

回顧在家的十天

30/6/2012

約9.45pm抵達，拖著行李不斷拉長自己的頸項，渴望能在最短的時間內在黑漆漆的人頭中，看見熟悉的臉孔！好笑的是，媽媽再度和我擦肩而過！×無奈的笑× 之前跟學校的團隊到香港歸國時，短短的一星期，她竟然‘看不見’我，這次也一樣，她歸咎於我的帽子。呵！還有，回來前，已經向媽媽‘點餐’，要她來接機時記得帶珍珠奶茶和雞排，結果她兩手空空……肚子餓了啦！×泣×

1/7/2012

畢業典禮！

2/7/2012

砸了一大筆錢到理髮店，剪頭髮治頭皮！別人是在畢業典禮前修剪頭髮，而我卻是在畢業典禮後。次序顛倒，有點‘炸到/無聊’的感覺。呵呵。

3/7/2012

媽媽真的很嘮叨！嘮叨嘮叨嘮叨！啊～這就是母親在身邊的感覺/味道！嘮叨我不懂得照顧自己的身體，因為這天去看中醫時，醫師說我的脈搏比媽媽的還要弱、體虛！！結果又花了一大大大筆錢買藥材，補這個補那個。那個中醫師的口碑極佳，也不好質疑他的藥方，每天捏捏鼻子，大口大口地吞下！良藥苦口啊～除了我意外，還有一個人也在一旁不斷‘唉唉’叫——老爸咯！我心疼，替他瘦下的錢包而心疼XD

4/7/2012

記憶一片空白×傻笑×

5/7/2012

吃看睡，慵懶過一天！

6/7/2012

我的背部多了不少的‘紋身’！圓圓的，紅紅的，深淺不一。最為明顯的是在肩膀和上半背部，多虧了它——拔罐！Tsk tsk tsk，冷到了咯！這麼多風！都不知道是瘀血還是真的是風。（幾天后留下的是圓圓的‘黑青’）

7-8/7/2012

外婆一星期前發生意外，腳受傷了，沒能出席我的畢業典禮。遺憾哪～回到家的第一個週末就是去探望她！看到外公外婆家擺放著表哥表姐的畢業照，沒有自己的，傷心吶～外公還說，是他沒有福分。我說明年可能還會有我的碩士畢業典禮，可是外公卻潑我冷水說“這麼久，都不知道能不能等到那個時候”=.= 我本身就已經是多愁善感的人了，外公有必要這麼“加深”我的‘氣質’了嗎×泣泣×

9/7/2012

昆蟲“趴趴走”的一天 :)

10/7/2012

不捨T.T 還有14天，就要離開溫暖的懷抱，到那邊“冷藏”……

自從（3）飛機

“一個人……孤單單……”

×跳Tone 一下×
如果你對某個清潔劑的廣告還有印象的話，那句“台詞”是由那個灰塵/細菌唱的。呵呵。

一個人剛出國讀書，是不了孤單寂寞的時候。
除非是“成群結隊”，相約好一塊出國或是真的很幸運的能夠遇見“同是天涯淪落人”（知心友）。

因為這樣，難免對某些外界事物多了份敏感。而我就對飛機多了份聯想。
每次一個人走路上學，都會有飛機飛過。
飛機……
觸發了我對家人的思念。
能夠在澳洲求學，算是圓夢的一種（？）我也不清楚。
可能混淆了長輩對自己的期望和自己的渴望；
也有可能現實情況和自己幻想差距甚大，
所以總覺得自己迷失在異國中。
人在澳洲，卻老是有種夢幻的感覺。

看見飛機飛過都會在想：
就是這個東西把我帶到這裡。
我曾經就在那個東西裡穿山越海。
如果我不在那裡面我會在哪？
還有多久我才能再坐那個東西？
坐了那個東西以後我還要坐回來嗎？
那個東西我還要做多久啊？
那個東西……
真的很會惹我淚水……

Before I leave

Before I leave
让我再次环视自己的房间
房间里的书桌
房间里的书橱
房间里的文具
书房里的衣橱
还有那大大的、暖暖的睡床……
冀望自己能够记住那个味道，那种感觉。

Before I leave
让我再次和弟弟玩、笑
吵的吵
闹的闹
打的打
扯的扯
虽然刚刚他还是很讨厌地（很用力地）捶打我（不是开玩笑的。）
但我想，我还是会想念他的。

Before I leave
让我再次和我最亲爱的家人
聚一聚
笑一笑
让我留住家的温暖。

目前还和父母在一起，迟些……迟些……

我会回来的！: ' )

寵壞

如果我說他們寵壞弟弟，他們就會說我嫉妒心重。
或許我真的妒忌他，但往另一邊想，我說的也並不是無理，他們正是在寵……或應該說放任弟弟的放肆。

10.05am，媽接到弟弟的一通電話。
弟弟一邊給指示讓母親到他房裡尋找他老大要的東西，然後很少爺似地要母親在10.30am前送到他面前。

讓我受不了的部分……
母親：“那怎樣來得及？那你有沒有去補習？”
弟弟：“還有25分鐘你跟我說什麼來不及？放學和朋友打完球後再打電話給你啦！”

這是什麼啊？當母親是女傭司機嗎？
可是母親仍然拚著老命把他“心血來潮要用到的球衣”載去給他。

想想，若一路順暢，從家到學校少說都要20分鐘。
從接電話那一秒起，母親並不是直接開車，而是要替他收拾他的球衣，然後還要換衣，再啟程。再加上路上的狀況並不一定順暢，可能有意外、塞車，或許趕不及他的午休時間前到。那怎麼辦？承受壓力開快車咯！來回不見了1小時，在家不到1.30小時，又得出去載他放學！

又不是不知道母親的體質較弱，常常頭疼頭暈，16歲的少年，還不懂得想嗎？老是以“男生很慢才成熟”替他的無理取鬧找藉口，真的很瞎！有一就有二，無三不成禮。那不就是間接地告訴他，不管你要什麼，在什麼時候，做父母的都會替你送到/做到，時時都能滿足他？難道不能訓練他，讓他懂得做計劃打算嗎？知道要和朋友打球前一晚不能先收拾好嗎？或是不打一天的球不行嗎？荒謬！

老大

老大表面風光，心中委屈知多少？

老大的特徵：

1. 幫補家用 - 錢途比較重要
2. 負起責任 - 做事三思，都要有出路
3. 樹立榜樣 - 小的還（永遠）小
4. 應該懂事 - 不應該和小的計較

有了理性沒了感性，只是空殼一枚。

（不是所有老大的辛酸，純粹屬於在下。如有雷同，純屬巧合。）

困

最讨要那种进退两难的局面。
應該討好別人，自己暗地裡受苦嗎？
還是堅持自己的原則，卻天下大亂？
就是這樣觸發了暴風雨。

事件一：
看到某某家人丟三落四……
大聲嚷嚷要他們收拾為了避免母親嘮叨，引來的卻是雙方大聲叫嚷。
還是自己老是替他們收拾，一次又一次地收拾……
如果沒留意到，自己獨自面對母親的嘮叨的壓力，只因為沒人會理會她除了我。

事件二：
看著母親的一片好心遭人糟蹋……
不提點母親，自己看不過去，母親在別人的眼裡是煩人一個。
告訴母親，她自己就會天馬行空，把所有東西都聯想在一起。
母親不是被人暗自罵就是她自己壓力一大把。

兩件事裡，我的選擇是自己的原則/覺得是對的事，後果是整家人都不愉快。
或許做老大的永遠都沒有屬於自己的意見。

又

在夜間繞了一大圈，才走進屋外的籬笆，看到他粗聲粗氣的……淚又流了。