Mixed Feeling

*Sigh*

Just a little bit sad and relieved. Well, would love to be more expressive if I able to type in Chinese, but well…. Sometimes, things just don’t go in your way huh?

Had a small talk with boss and decision is made, yet not really finalized yet as the direct boss have not aware of this issue. Well, I know I have not been really moving since august, the time whereby new semester just started, the time whereby my mom fell ill, the time whereby my dad decided to accept the outstation job, the time whereby I need energy the most.

Lots of things had occurred lately, and I really would like to participate as much as I could or contribute as much as I capable of. However, my capability is limited. I couldn’t do much, after realizing there are so many things that need my effort and commitment. I struggled but have not given up.

Apparently, I am not as good as what I think. I really would like to live up to expectation, live up to standard because this is what is expected to. Is my silliness to care about what people think, but think another way, you are living with human being and is hard not to care of what people think of you. So I tend to push hard on myself and this drive to exhaustion.

I wouldn’t want to make things worse, so I accept the decision. Since I have not been really helping the team, it is reasonable to make certain decision on it. What I am going to miss is the days with the international volunteers and some of my dynamic teammate. Without them, I will not come this far. I appreciated the opportunity given, and the days and experience where we really have fun and at the same time gain a lot. But when this comes to an end…. I don’t know. I really wouldn’t want to give far, since I came to this far. But at this moment, I don’t think I can cope with it…. So what to do…. Decision lies on peoples’ hand not mine.

If the decision is finalized, relieved is because one of the responsibility is out of shoulder, but will be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay sad, and I really miss the days. Really. I do.